Thinking....

I'm still thinking that this was supposed to get easier by now. But it seems as tho it just gets harder. Daily I am reminded that he is gone. Everything I do, or see, or hear, triggers a memory. And thats the hard part...is thats all it will ever be is a memory. I will never have anything new to remember about him...all I have is the past. So many things remind me of that great man. I can remember growing up being a part of his youth group and for some reason everyone thought "Marty is sooo cool" I used to laugh...I didn't think he was that cool then....but now I look back and remember the things we did and the things he said, and he was pretty much the "coolest". I know most everyone says that about their dads...but I truly do believe that I had a great dad!

The bad part is I find myself sitting and thinking back and thinking about the worst parts of all this....and I can seriously think back from that early morning at 12:58am dreaded phone call of his passing, and every day 5 weeks prior. I can tell you where I was, and where he was and what stage of his condition we were at. I still get mad. I still find myself trying to figure out what we could have done differently.

I started this new thing when I start to ask why, I look at a series of pictures I took of him. This is what happened. The man in the very first pic, was no longer there after 2 weeks in to the radiation. He was gone. Even when treatments were over...he was never the same....

So I look at the pictures...and it reminds me why he left us. It reminds me what he went thru. It reminds me that he no longer has to go thru any of that. He is happy and at peace now. It went thru a lot to get there. He fought til the end, but as I still remember what he said in the beginning, he wasn't afraid to die, and he always knew he wouldn't live a long life, and he never knew what was going to kill him, until he found out he had cancer, he knew that would be it. (read my very first note from 8 months ago, and you'll see what he had said)I hope this gets easier one day.

I miss my dad oh so much!

Just when I thought I was gettin used to the fact that he is gone and never coming back, then I start to go back to the "why's". Why him? Why now? Why couldn't the cancer go away? Why didn't the treatment work? Why didn't we get more time with him? Why...why....why...why?????

I woke up the last 2 days, and just get thinking about him, and the tears start flowing. I miss him so much right now. I just wanna be able to hug him, and I just wanna be able to talk to him. I wish he could be here to share this new part of my life, gettin a job, and making good money. I used to laugh when he would say, "can't wait til you finish school and start making the big bucks, then you'll pay me back the money you owe me and I can retire"......He never even got to see how much money I'm making...He never got to retire, and enjoy all his hardwork for soooo many years.

Its been 5 weeks and 2 days. Even tho I know he's gone, it still feels like he is just gone somewhere else, and will be coming home soon. It feels like when I lived an hour away, and we would all get together every so often...well it feels like its time to see him again...but this time it won't happen.

Everyday I come on here and watch the video of his testimony, just so I can hear his voice. I always think it will make me feel better, but I think it makes it worse. I just miss him. And I don't know how I'm supposed to get over this feeling.

My Grieving....

So its been about 3 weeks. Grieving is a process that we all have to deal with. I was reading about the emotions one might feel during this time, and I sure have felt all of them. Saddness: Yep, I've felt sad. I spend my hour drive home from work thinking and being sad, and I cry the whole time. But thats ok, I'm supposed to do that, he was my dad, I better get sad over losing him. Anger: Yep, I've been angry. A lot of people get angry with God, I don't blame him. A lot of of people get angry with the person who died, c'mon...why would I get mad at him? It wasn't his fault. Then they say a lot of people get angry with the doctors, or the healthcare system....I think that's where I felt anger, but beings that I'm in the medical field, that anger didn't last long. But I still wanted to place blame some where. "But why didn't they find this sooner?" and "...well how come he didn't listen to us when we told him this and that?" and "but this and but that". I went through the emotions of being angry.Frustration: Yep, I still get frustrated. I have to keep reminding myself, "oh well Christy, there is nothing we can do to bring him back now" Along with the anger part, I get frustrated more than anything. I still find myself doing research on what they could have done, or what I thought could have been done, or what they didn't tell us in the beginning....its frustrating. I just wanna know why...and what could have been done differently, and would that have made a difference? Probably not, but it makes me feel better thinking it.Guilt: Yep, I feel that. I feel like maybe I should have accepted that it was real. I mean, I don't feel like I missed any opportunities to say what I needed to say to him. The last few months when I was having to take care of him so much, I remembered to say I love you to him, alllll the time. The biggest guilt that I feel is that when I was taking care of him, I was too hard on him. I would get stern with him and tell him he needed to get out of bed, and he needed to quit asking for pain meds....but had I known there was more going on...I would have gone easy on him. It got to a point where he would ask mom or Candi for stuff, because he didn't wanna ask me, because he didn't want me to get on to him about it. I feel bad about that. I wish he wouldn't have felt that way. I was only doing it because I was wanting him to get better.I remember my mom always telling me through the whole thing that I'm the one who is in denial about the him having cancer, and of course...I was. I wouldn't accept it. I just kept thinking of all the technology these days and how he was at one of the best Cancer Center's in CA. I thought for sure he would get through this, or at least temporarily. I thought we had a couple more years with him at least. I know they say that you have to start moving on, and learning to cope with living without a loved one, and I've been trying to do that. Trying to keep busy and keep doing things to keep my mind off of him, but it only lasts for a few days, and I start to miss him all over again. Oh well, this is a process, I will in time learn to deal with it. For now, I just keep remembering how he wanted us to take things "One day at a time"..............

Without Words....

I've been sitting here in tears for the past hour, thinking of writing a note...something I was always so good at...but I can't even put in to words how I feel right now. I can't explain my hurt and my pain. Everyone know how wonderful my dad was...so I guess I don't have to put it in words. I thought this was just a bad dream...but its not...its so real...and my dad is gone...I'll never have him to hug me, talk to me, teach me, yell at me, annoy me....all those things I loved about him!

MARTIN S. HASKINS

Martin Stuart Haskins went to be with his Lord and Savior on April 14th, 2009 in Hughson, after a battle with Cancer. Born in Tracy, CA October 8th, 1955, he lived in Manteca for 53 years. Marty is survived by his loving wife of 35 years, Judy. He was an amazing father of three daughters, Carla, Candi and Christy, all of Manteca. He is also survived by his brother, Don Haskins, of Manteca, and close cousin Barbara Watson, also of Manteca. He also leaves behind his father and mother in-law, Archie and Edna Peoples of Manteca, his brother in-laws Don Peoples and Jerry Oakes, sister in-laws, Carol Wynns, Penny Haskins, and Janice Peoples, as well as many nieces and nephews who will miss him dearly, but will always have great memories. Marty was employed at Con Agra Foods in Ceres, CA for 28 years. He was a member of the Carson Oaks Community Church of Stockton, where he recently retired from Youth Director. He devoted the past 18 years to serving the Lord by working locally and nationally in the youth ministry.Our family would like to express our sincere appreciation to the Alexander Cohen Hospice House of Hughson.Marty’s celebration of life service will be held on Saturday April 18th, 2009 at 2 p.m. at the Northgate Community Church, 650 Northgate Drive in Manteca.

04/14/09

Lately I've been thinking that its real funny how life works out. I've been caring for my dad since last October. I've been there just about everyday, by his side. But while doing that I've been trying to move forward with my career, and the next step to the rest of my life. The day after I found out I got my first job as a Respiratory Therapist, thats when we found out that his Cancer spread to his liver. And he just started declining from there. Last night I went to visit him before I came home tor prepare for my first day of work. And I pretty much felt like I was going to say goodbye to him, and that is exactly how it was. I told him before I left "daddy, I"m gonna go home now, gotta get some sleep, gotta start work tomorrow...finally...aren't you proud of me?" And I did get a move of his foot, which is how he had been responding to us. So I know he was proud of me. I feel like him leaving us this morning was him giving me the ok to move on. It was his way of saying, I no longer needed to take care of him, and I could move on with my career.

I love you daddy...and I would've took care of you forever!!!

04/08/09

Hey everyone. Thanks for the continuous thoughts and prayers. Dad is still hanging in there. He's having good days and bad days. Mostly he isn't in his right mind. The liver is just sending the toxins to his brain, and it makes him all crazy. Today we are moving him from the regular hospital to a Hospice House. He's not going to be here in town, so that is going to be different for us, because he's not just down the street or here in the other room. It will be okay tho. The hospice house is absolutley beautiful, and they really accomodate the families as well as the patient. At least this way he will be getting the real comfort care that he needs. These places specialize in making the end of life such a comfortable process. And right now that is all we are asking for, is for him to be COMFORTABLE AND PAIN FREE. It hurts to see him in so much pain, and being so restless. And the communication thing gets to me. The other day I was in visiting him and he wanted me to help him with something so bad, but the words wouldn't come out and I couldn't tell what he wanted, and I just broke down in tears. I have tried all this time not to cry in front of him, but I couldn't help it. I told him I just wanted to help him, but I didn't understand. And he saw the tears in my eyes and had me lean over, and he whispered, I know you are trying to help. And thats all I could do...was try to understand him, and it just doesn't always work that way. But at least he knows I'm trying. So hopefully him being at the hospice house, he will get the good care that he needs.Last night I had a good visit with him tho, he was awake, and talking fairly normal for about 20 minutes. It was a good visit...he even let me take a new pic of him.

04/03/09

Through these hard times, and the emotional roller coaster of dealing with losing a loved one, I've really come to learn how blessed my family is. As hard as it will be to lose my dad and no longer have him around to help guide me and teach me the ways of life, I'm constantly reminded of how great he is. I know I should be hurting, and feeling like its only my family that has to deal with what is to come, but thats not true. I find myself thinking of all the people who have been blessed to share the greatness of my dad with me. He has been such a BIG influence in sooooo many lives. He has had such a great testimony on how great God can be. My dad has played so many roles in so many lives. He has touched lives and led young hearts to Christ. When I really stop to think about it, he has been such a great influence to so many, that I find myself feeling bad for everyone who is losing such a great man. Its not just me and my family, its sooooo many more.

Last weekend at the ER when we thought we were going to lose him, I was so amazed at how many people showed up in the time of need. I walked out of the ER after about 30 minutes of being there, and just expected it to be a small amount of family gathered, waiting to see what was going on, but to my surprise there was a big group of people, waiting with tears in their eyes and hugging on one another, and everyone looked as tho they were losing someone special. Oh yeah...they were! He's a special guy.

At one point there were 32 people standing outside waiting to hear how he was doing, and waiting to go in and say their goodbyes. It was neat to hear the nurses and ER staff in there whispering and I heard this a few times, "wow...are all those people for the guy in room 10". How amazing is that?? I was proud. And a couple times I was asked, "Are those people all gathered out there, with you guys?" I proudly said "Yep, thats all for my dad. Didn't you know you had a celebrity on your hands?" (ha ha)

Then I start looking on here on facebook, and I see the love from across the nation leaving him messages on his page, and commenting on mine and my family's notes and status'. I am feeling the love. And its all because I have such a great dad. Not too many people I know can say that they have a father that is well known and well loved across the nation. So that makes me feel oh so blessed!

Even tho I'm going to miss my dad, I can honestly say that I feel at peace with knowing that he has had such an impact on so many lives and he has been such a good influence to many young people who needed him at some point in their lives. I can't tell you how many people have told us, "i wouldn't be where i am at, if it wasn't for Marty" So those words right there, are enough for me.

I know he is going to a better place, and I know that his work on earth is done. God is going to say to him, "Well done my good and faithful son"!

I have been questioning myself this week and wondering if I made the right choice this past weekend, when I pushed to get more time with him, and had the docs do what they can to keep him alive. Well, I didn't care whether it was for 2 days, or for 2 weeks, but I got that time. And I know God gave us that extra time, because there was things that were left unsaid, so we were given that second chance. God did it for a reason. Just like my dad has been telling me for quite some time now,

"I don't think God is putting me through this to teach ME anything, its to teach others something. I don't know what it is, or who it is, but I feel God is using me, and putting me thru this for others to learn." - Marty Haskins -

So as we go thru this next week or two, preparing for the hardest day ever, the day my dad will go home to meet Jesus, I will just keep thinking, of all the wonderful things he has taught, and all the lives he has touched, and the many more lessons that are being taught thru all this. I know I've learned a few things....so maybe it was me that God was teaching a lesson.............

03/31/09

I have so much to say and don't know where to begin!

Within 11 days we have gone from hearing that dads cancer has spread and he only has less than six months to live, to him coming home for one week and having his conditon deteriorate at high speed, then back to being himself again!

All last week was a week of family, extended family, church friends, work friends and old friends from way back, coming and visiting, and pretty much to be honest...saying Goodbye to a loved one! As the week went on, he got worse and worse. We had hospice tell us, "oh it will be maybe a month, and he'll be gone" then a day later saying "oh, it will be within days"

So on saturday, he had a good day of visiting with many people who love him. And we had hospice come out, because, his condition had changed from the night before. The nurse assessed him and said, "lets just make him comfortable" sooo....AKA let him die peacefully. Me being the medically talented person that I am (AKA "greatest thing that happened to this family" ha ha (inside joke)) wouldn't take that for an answer, and insisted in finding out what we can do to have him checked out, because I felt something was wrong.

We ended up calling 911. At this time he was just resting, because he had a busy day with all the visiting. Within minutes they came and assessed him and rushed him to the nearest hospital. They told us "he is critical, his oxygen levels were in the 70's, his blood pressure is low" This was NOT a good thing to hear. So I rushed behind the ambulance to get there as soon as i could to be with him so he wouldn't be scared. I got there and they were telling me how bad he was doing, and making it sound like he was ready to check out at any time.

He hung thru the night. He was transferred to the ICU. Me and mom sat by his side the whole time. Basically they were keeping him comfortable. I just sat there the whole night holding his hand, and trying to get him to respond, and he wouldn't. So I knew it was time for him to go. I just sat there waiting for him to take his last breath........

But the next morning, was a different story. He became a little bit more responsive. And continued to respond slowly and randomly throughout the day. They were still telling us that he wasn't going to hang on much longer. Boy did that change. By the time they gave him some blood that evening, he was perking up a little bit more. He had his up and down moments.

Don't ask me how, but after all this, he has now been transferred to the hospital across town, for insurance and Dr. reasons. And he is back to being the same old Marty. He is no longer in distress. He is maintaining his own blood pressure at a normal range. He is alert. No more fever. I just can't believe the difference. Here yesterday we were talking bout starting to make arrangements for his burial, and now we are thinking bout when he gets to come home.

His body became septic (google, i would explain if i had more time) He went in to shock. The blood and antibiotics have helped that. There are still many tests to run, and many questions to be answered, but for now, I just feel blessed that he's still here! God wasn't ready for him yet! There is a reason he is still here, and I kinda think I know why, but I'll share that in another note sometime soon. There are many details that I have left out, but there is way more to tell, but I just don't have the time to write it!

Reality, he still has Cancer. That hasn't gone away. Reality, he almost died, but he didn't. Reality, it will happen, but not today! Reality, I"m going to bed, end of story! :)

THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR YOUR THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS!!!! Prayer is powerful, and I'm seeing that more and more everyday!!

03/21/09

So the time has finally come, for reality to set in. All my optimistic thoughts, and positive attitude, have finally come to an end, and I have to finally admit, that we aren't going to be able to save him anymore.

The liver biopsy came back, and showed that the Cancer, has spread to the Liver. So that is not a good thing. I just wanted to update everyone, so you all can know. The doctor says that with this type of cancer, there is no treatment that will cure it. They would try chemotherapy, to prolong his life some, and try to slow it down, but due to the fact that the 4 weeks of chemo that he had before, his kidneys wouldn't be able to handle it. So, the life expectancy is less than six months. He is going to be released home from the hospital tomorrow, and Hospice will be helping us out. So most people know what that means....."Comfort Care". We don't know how long he's gonna stay with us, but if we all know him well, we know that he is pretty damn stubborn, and never does anything normal. So who knows....could be longer than expected. But for now, we'll take this ending, just like we took the begining 6 months ago when the cancer was diagnosed.....ONE DAY AT A TIME...THATS ALL WE CAN DO. (as Marty said)

Right now I can't even begin to express my feelings in detail, but I can say, I'm hurt, shocked, sad, mad...and any other feelings you can think of to go along with it. I wish I could be telling everyone some great news right now...but its just not the case. Please continue to support us with your prayers and thoughts.

03/19/09

Ok, so as of today, this is what we know.He was hospitalized last thursday and had a high calcium level, which concerned the doctors, and made them think that the cancer has spread. They did a bone scan, and a brain scan, and ruled out the the cancer did not spread to the bone or brain, thank God. Well, they've given him some meds, and the calcium is back to normal. Apparently tho, with a calcium level as high as it was, it is still questionable if the Cancer in the sinuses is still there, and active. We do not know when we will get the answer to that.Right now, the main concern is getting his acute issues dealt with. So, he is still in the hospital being given fluids to stay hydrated, and a feeding tube was placed in his stomach the day before yesterday. Who would have ever thought that Marty, someone who loved food sooooooooo much would ever need a feeding tube because he isn't eating? Werid huh? So the idea is to get the food going in, to get him stronger so he can start working on moving around, considering it has been about almost 3 weeks since he has stood up on his own with out assistance, and about 1 week since he has not stood up or gotten out of bed AT ALL. They did have a concern that he may have been bleeding out somewhere, because is blood levels were low. So they did a scope of his upper GI tract, and a colonoscopy to rule out anything going on in the lower GI tract, with a few minor setbacks, that was done. Everything came back ok on both of those. Not sure where the low blood levels came from.They did find some spots on his liver, which we are still waiting for the results of the biopsy. So, we'll have to wait and see what happens with that. It seems like thats all we ever do is wait.When I left the hospital, he was doing just fine. A little bit loopy from all the pain meds he is on, and a lil bit fiesty cuz thats how he is.....so I suppose thats a good thing that his personality is back. ha ha. The plan is for him to be released from the hospital in a few days. They are working on getting a hospital bed ordered for home, and for nurses to come out and help us care for him, and physical therapy to come and get him up and moving. So God willing, we will have him up and at least pretty darn close to being back to the norm!Thank you for your continuous prayers and support. He does enjoy visitors, it helps lift his spirits up. Give us a call or leave us a message at anytime.

03/15/09

So nothing is for certain yet. I can tell you that since my past update, they have found that he has too much calcium in his blood, which can be caused by a number of things. They've had to give him 2 more units of blood. They've found that he has some spots on his liver that need to be biopsied. They have found that he has a fractured rib, from what, we don't know. Like I said, nothing is for certain yet until they run many more tests, but they are trying to rule out that the cancer has spread to his bones or his brain. NOT SURE YET THO! I'm hoping and praying that they won't find that, and it could be something else causing all of this mess.He has been so disoriented. And has gotten to where he doesn't really know who any of us are. So as you can imagine, this is a hard thing to process. I'd like to think this is just a minor set back in his recovery and he's gonna get through this just fine.Please continue to pray pray pray pray!! We all need the strength physically and emotionally to get thru all of this right now

03/13/09

Last night we took him to the ER, to be checked out because of our concerns of him just sleepin for the past few days and hard to wake him up and get up and what not. He's also been very incoherent, and disoriented. They ran some tests, told us they are keeping him in the hospital for further evaluation. He is still waiting for a room cuz the hospital is so busy, we have to wait to get a bed. So he is still in the ER and the tests are being done in a timely manner. For right now I do not have the answers, we are still unclear at what is going on. He was however severly dehydrated and has perked up a lil bit since they've given him fluids. I just wanted to give ya'll an update and as soon as I know more...I will keep everyone posted.Please keep him in your prayers!! Thank you!!P.S. sorry for this being so short, and if anything is misspelled its cuz i JUST got home from the ER, couldn't leave him alone, so my relief showed up this morning and now that i have been up for 24 hours...i'm gonna go to sleep. ha ha.

03/04/09

Okay...so here's my story. As most everyone knows, my Dad (Marty) hasn't been feeling so well. For a few weeks now he has been having some lower left back pain. He's on pain meds for it....but nothing seems to help. He also has very weak legs, and is having a hard time walking, standing, and getting himself anywhere beside in bed. Also, when he stands up, he starts to feel dizzy and "see's white fuzzy things" and then he has to sit down really quick so he don't fall over (which has actually happened a few times now) So me, being the good lil medical assistant/respiratory therapist, says..."hmmm...i'm gonna check your blood pressure" So I do. And I've been finding that when he stands up, his blood pressure drops WAY low. Like not normal low. So because of that and that he was in so much pain, about a week ago, I decided to make him go to the ER to see what could be wrong with his back. Well, the doc said "hmmm...sounds like it could be Kidney stones" So all they did was scanned him, found no kidney stones, ran some blood tests, found that he had a low hemoglobin level which showed he is Anemic. Usually a normal hemoglobin is 13-17, his was 8.5. So, really low. What did they do for him?? Gave him some pain meds...and sent him home.Then 2 days later, we decided to follow up with his primary care doctor. He said, "well, I don't know why you are having the back pain, lets do some more scans to see what we can find. Oh and by the way, you are really anemic" He decided he needed to find out WHY he was so anemic, and sometimes that could mean he could be bleeding out somewhere, possible stress ulcers, or something of the sort. Or possibly even a lack of iron thing. So, he did some more blood tests. Did some X-rays, told us to come back in 2 weeks. Told us we need to see a GI doctor to possibly see if he is bleeding somewhere and wants him to check it out. Well, we were told we couldn't see that doctor until March 17th. Tell me....if you knew possibly that a low hemoglobin could be caused from "bleeding out"....does waiting another 2 weeks make much sense?? Again, me being concerned, didn't wanna wait that long. So I called and expressed my concerns, and got his appointment moved up to an earlier date, tomorrow.Well today, my mom called me and said that he was just shaking really bad, extremely weak, kept falling over when he would stand. So, I got to thinking. I'm scared. I'm worried. I'm nervous. I want answers.After struggling to get him out to the truck. I took him to the ER. Well, I told them EVERYTHING that is going on with him...including the continous back pain, which was not my main concern. I want them to tell me why he has a low hemoglobin. Why is he getting weaker and weaker and weaker and weaker by the day? Why is his blood pressure dropping so low? Is he dehydrated like he was before and had the shakiness like that? See...all good questions right?So after being there 3 hours, they ran some blood tests, did a scan. Talked to his primary care docor and he told them what to do for him. Give him some pain meds, AND SEND HIM HOME. It was a waste of time!!! I got NO answers.I know some of the answers. I know why he has the back pain....because he is in bed for 23 hours a day....who's back wouldn't hurt after that???I kinda figure that all this is related to the anemia. But what I don't get is...why am I the only one worried about this? Why are they taking their time to get this stuff done? I don't get it! I know it can be done quicker, because I've been on the medical side of these situations. I know how this gets done quicker...why are they toying with us?? It makes no sense.I'm frustrated!!!

02/11/09

We went to Stanford today for the follow-up with the radiation oncologist.....he said that my dad is right where he should be with the healing process. So as long as he continues to improve, we are doing good. Its just a SLOW process. We will get a PET scan in April to check to see what it looks like and to make sure nothing is growing back yet. I think sometimes I get too anxious about it all. For some reason I have it in my head that he should be feeling better by now. I mean, if I look at it logically, we've had a few bumps in this healing process....between the dehydration, malnutrition, crazy blood pressure drops, and out of control blood sugars.....those are enough to slow anyone's healing process down. But I think we FINALLY got all of that mananged. Now it is just the getting stronger part we have to work on...then that will make a worlds difference. I thank EVERYONE for their continous thoughts and prayers. We all know that God is the Almighty Healer, and he's got a plan for Marty....I have to continue to pray for patience, because I don't like waiting this long for the process, but we'll get there!Love ya all!!!

As of 01/27/09

As of 01/27/09

So yesterday we went to see his Chemo oncologist up at Stanford, for a follow up. He gave us the results of the MRI that was done last week. There are no new growths or no new abnormalities. He looked up his nose with the scope and said that he saw no new lesions, or no new growths. So what does that mean? Does that mean he is Cancer free? Well from what I took of the conversation was that as of now, we have nothing to worry about from the Cancer standpoint. That doesn't mean its not going to grow back, or that it is completely gone....but what it does mean is that we just keep moving along with the healing process, and just keep praying that the cancer is gone for good and won't grow back. He's most definitely not better yet. He is still weak, his mind is all confused, his diabetes is acting up.....but that will all get better in time. So please continue to pray for his healing process and that we as a family will have the strength and patience to keep up with all this. Right now we are working on getting him stronger so he can build his muscles back up and trying to work on his appetite and food intake. Its a tough job because he is so stubborn. But we'll get through it. :)

People can be funny...

I've come to realize that people get so blind to things, and will swear up and down that its not like that. I just hope that I will never be like that. I love how I can be so honest, blunt, and up front about things. I have no reason to cover anything up or lie. Some people just bring drama where ever the go...its kind of sad.

I'm not saying I have a perfect life by no means at all, but at least I try my hardest to be happy....and forget about my problems. Every now and then I have a breakdown and let it all catch up to me, but mostly I hide it. I know how it is to be a bitch and have no friends and make everyone hate me....but what kind of life is that? So I told myself I was tired of being that way....so here I am now...just the social butterfly. I like to have a positive outlook on life, and just be happy all the time....things go much better that way.

Sometimes I think that I go to far with that, and forget about things that I shouldn't...like bills. I look at them as...."eh...its just money...it will still be there tomorrow...why stress over it now?"....but sometimes having that outlook can get me in trouble...but hey...at least I'm living my life stress free and feeling better about myself right?

Well..thats just my feelings on how funny people can be, and the drama that surrounds them. I'm thankful for me, and my drama free life. As some one wise once told me...."thats OPD" (other people's drama).....so I stay out of it......

Missing my dad...

So today I've come to realize that I really miss my dad....even tho he's right here with me, just in his bedroom, or sitting next to me in the truck. He seems so far away. I hate that he has gone thru what he has had to go thru. I still keep saying to myself, "he was perfectly fine before his treatments, and now look at him". Its soooo true...he was fine 3 months 2 weeks ago, and now that it is all over with, 4 weeks after his treatment has ended, and I just look at him and don't even know who he is. Yeah his looks have changed a lot due to the weight loss and the effects of radiation and chemo, but thats not what makes him a stranger to me. It is the fact that he won't talk to us. He acts like we just annoy him when we try to ask him questions about how he is feeling, and if he needs anything....when all we are doing is trying to help and figure out how to make him better.

I can't stand to see him like this. I am so thankful that he is not in pain like he was during treatment, but in a way I wish he were so he could be on all the pain meds again and talk to us like its nothing, and be goofy and do things that we will laugh about later......

He still won't eat anything, because "it taste like dirt". But he will drink stuff. He is maintaining his 91lb weight loss and keeping it to a +/- 5lb range, so that is good....but I don't think it is enough. He's weak and fatigued. He spends the majority of his time in bed sleeping.....even tho I nag at him and lecture him about that being the worse thing for him. I express my concerns to the doctors....they tell me "well it sounds about right for what he has been thru".....but I don't believe it. Shouldn't he be showing some improvement by now?

Today we went up to Stanford for his 1 month follow up, but it was with the surgeon, who pretty much told us the same thing as always, "its a bit swollen, and tender, but we can't tell anything just by looking at it" So where does that leave us? Still waiting another month or two to know anyting about the cancer....so that wasn't a big deal...but on the ride home I really got to thinking.....I miss my dad.A few years ago I made a CD with a bunch of "Christian" songs on it that I love to sing along too, which about a year ago it would have been the same exact CD that I would have rolled my eyes and thought, geez do we really have to listen to this one, can't we listen to a oldies mix or somthing we all like. But today it was different. I wanted to listen to it, cuz I knew all the songs on it, and I knew I could sing along....but what I really missed while singing my heart out...was my dad sitting right next to me, and him not being able to sing his heart out with me. He loves to sing, my whole family loves to sing....but today was different...me and mom were just singing so loud, and he was sitting there....moving his lips, but made no sound.

I had to fight back the tears because I thought to myself...this is so unfair. I couldn't figure out why my mind was telling me it was so unfair...was it because I shouldn't be listening to this knowing that he can't just sing out a tune....or was I thinking it was unfair because my dad isn't the same dad that I want him to be....or was I thinking this is so unfair that the radiation and chemo was the better option instead of letter the cancer just go without it? I don't know what I was thinking....perhaps all of the above.I don't know when things are going to get better and I don't know when things are going to make sense....or when things will start being fair.....but until then I just gotta be thankful for what I do have, and be thankful that my dad is still here with me...even tho he isn't quite back to the norm......

Where I am at....

It has been 3 months and 2 weeks since I finished school.....2 months since I passed my CRT exam and got my work permit......3 weeks since I got my California License to work as a Respiratory Therapist......3 months and 2 weeks since my dad was diagnosed with Cancer......4 weeks since he finished the treatment for it......and where am I?

Still in the same place I was 3 months and 2 weeks ago......nowhere....and where does all this get me....nowhere.

Sometimes I don't understand why I'm still in the same place. I've been applying for jobs like crazy, why have I not gotten any call backs? Am I not good enough? Did I just not get lucky like the others that I finished school with? I just don't get it. I know my stuff, I know what I'm doing, I'm gonna be one of the best therapist that a hospital can have. I have a passion for it. I can relate to the patients....its where I need to be and what I need to be doing....but yet I'm stuck here in a rut....not going anywhere....I don't get it.

I wish things would have gone differently the past few months. I know I'm selfish...but what about me....why can't things be going my way?? I've worked hard to get where I'm at and now I'm getting discourage because the only replys I get from the apps I have submitted are the ones that say "sorry you don't have enough experience". Well damn...how am I gonna get experience if no body will hire me?? I'm just so frustrated right now with life...I have no idea where it is going....and I don't like it!!

So where am I at............

Healing??

Its been 4 weeks since my dad has ended his treatments....and I see no improvment. Yeah sure, the pain is gone....but when will the healing begin. It seems as tho he is just sitting here and giving up...just waiting to die. He's still not eating much.....barely drinking the fluids he needs. The weight just keeps dropping...his muscles are getting weaker and weaker. All he does is lay in bed all day..........when will this get better?? I try to encourage him to get up and do things, eat, drink...and get better. But its not working. To me everyday gets worse and worse....what do we do now?? The doctors aren't concerened...they say this is normal...but I don't think so. I miss my dad. I miss him hanging out with the rest of us in the living room watching tv....talking...arguing...picking on someone....or making fun of someone....but he's not there. It never feels like he is with us. Where has he gone...and when is he coming back??