So today I've come to realize that I really miss my dad....even tho he's right here with me, just in his bedroom, or sitting next to me in the truck. He seems so far away. I hate that he has gone thru what he has had to go thru. I still keep saying to myself, "he was perfectly fine before his treatments, and now look at him". Its soooo true...he was fine 3 months 2 weeks ago, and now that it is all over with, 4 weeks after his treatment has ended, and I just look at him and don't even know who he is. Yeah his looks have changed a lot due to the weight loss and the effects of radiation and chemo, but thats not what makes him a stranger to me. It is the fact that he won't talk to us. He acts like we just annoy him when we try to ask him questions about how he is feeling, and if he needs anything....when all we are doing is trying to help and figure out how to make him better.
I can't stand to see him like this. I am so thankful that he is not in pain like he was during treatment, but in a way I wish he were so he could be on all the pain meds again and talk to us like its nothing, and be goofy and do things that we will laugh about later......
He still won't eat anything, because "it taste like dirt". But he will drink stuff. He is maintaining his 91lb weight loss and keeping it to a +/- 5lb range, so that is good....but I don't think it is enough. He's weak and fatigued. He spends the majority of his time in bed sleeping.....even tho I nag at him and lecture him about that being the worse thing for him. I express my concerns to the doctors....they tell me "well it sounds about right for what he has been thru".....but I don't believe it. Shouldn't he be showing some improvement by now?
Today we went up to Stanford for his 1 month follow up, but it was with the surgeon, who pretty much told us the same thing as always, "its a bit swollen, and tender, but we can't tell anything just by looking at it" So where does that leave us? Still waiting another month or two to know anyting about the cancer....so that wasn't a big deal...but on the ride home I really got to thinking.....I miss my dad.A few years ago I made a CD with a bunch of "Christian" songs on it that I love to sing along too, which about a year ago it would have been the same exact CD that I would have rolled my eyes and thought, geez do we really have to listen to this one, can't we listen to a oldies mix or somthing we all like. But today it was different. I wanted to listen to it, cuz I knew all the songs on it, and I knew I could sing along....but what I really missed while singing my heart out...was my dad sitting right next to me, and him not being able to sing his heart out with me. He loves to sing, my whole family loves to sing....but today was different...me and mom were just singing so loud, and he was sitting there....moving his lips, but made no sound.
I had to fight back the tears because I thought to myself...this is so unfair. I couldn't figure out why my mind was telling me it was so unfair...was it because I shouldn't be listening to this knowing that he can't just sing out a tune....or was I thinking it was unfair because my dad isn't the same dad that I want him to be....or was I thinking this is so unfair that the radiation and chemo was the better option instead of letter the cancer just go without it? I don't know what I was thinking....perhaps all of the above.I don't know when things are going to get better and I don't know when things are going to make sense....or when things will start being fair.....but until then I just gotta be thankful for what I do have, and be thankful that my dad is still here with me...even tho he isn't quite back to the norm......
so many things
10 years ago
