As of 01/27/09

As of 01/27/09

So yesterday we went to see his Chemo oncologist up at Stanford, for a follow up. He gave us the results of the MRI that was done last week. There are no new growths or no new abnormalities. He looked up his nose with the scope and said that he saw no new lesions, or no new growths. So what does that mean? Does that mean he is Cancer free? Well from what I took of the conversation was that as of now, we have nothing to worry about from the Cancer standpoint. That doesn't mean its not going to grow back, or that it is completely gone....but what it does mean is that we just keep moving along with the healing process, and just keep praying that the cancer is gone for good and won't grow back. He's most definitely not better yet. He is still weak, his mind is all confused, his diabetes is acting up.....but that will all get better in time. So please continue to pray for his healing process and that we as a family will have the strength and patience to keep up with all this. Right now we are working on getting him stronger so he can build his muscles back up and trying to work on his appetite and food intake. Its a tough job because he is so stubborn. But we'll get through it. :)

People can be funny...

I've come to realize that people get so blind to things, and will swear up and down that its not like that. I just hope that I will never be like that. I love how I can be so honest, blunt, and up front about things. I have no reason to cover anything up or lie. Some people just bring drama where ever the go...its kind of sad.

I'm not saying I have a perfect life by no means at all, but at least I try my hardest to be happy....and forget about my problems. Every now and then I have a breakdown and let it all catch up to me, but mostly I hide it. I know how it is to be a bitch and have no friends and make everyone hate me....but what kind of life is that? So I told myself I was tired of being that way....so here I am now...just the social butterfly. I like to have a positive outlook on life, and just be happy all the time....things go much better that way.

Sometimes I think that I go to far with that, and forget about things that I shouldn't...like bills. I look at them as...."eh...its just money...it will still be there tomorrow...why stress over it now?"....but sometimes having that outlook can get me in trouble...but hey...at least I'm living my life stress free and feeling better about myself right?

Well..thats just my feelings on how funny people can be, and the drama that surrounds them. I'm thankful for me, and my drama free life. As some one wise once told me...."thats OPD" (other people's drama).....so I stay out of it......

Missing my dad...

So today I've come to realize that I really miss my dad....even tho he's right here with me, just in his bedroom, or sitting next to me in the truck. He seems so far away. I hate that he has gone thru what he has had to go thru. I still keep saying to myself, "he was perfectly fine before his treatments, and now look at him". Its soooo true...he was fine 3 months 2 weeks ago, and now that it is all over with, 4 weeks after his treatment has ended, and I just look at him and don't even know who he is. Yeah his looks have changed a lot due to the weight loss and the effects of radiation and chemo, but thats not what makes him a stranger to me. It is the fact that he won't talk to us. He acts like we just annoy him when we try to ask him questions about how he is feeling, and if he needs anything....when all we are doing is trying to help and figure out how to make him better.

I can't stand to see him like this. I am so thankful that he is not in pain like he was during treatment, but in a way I wish he were so he could be on all the pain meds again and talk to us like its nothing, and be goofy and do things that we will laugh about later......

He still won't eat anything, because "it taste like dirt". But he will drink stuff. He is maintaining his 91lb weight loss and keeping it to a +/- 5lb range, so that is good....but I don't think it is enough. He's weak and fatigued. He spends the majority of his time in bed sleeping.....even tho I nag at him and lecture him about that being the worse thing for him. I express my concerns to the doctors....they tell me "well it sounds about right for what he has been thru".....but I don't believe it. Shouldn't he be showing some improvement by now?

Today we went up to Stanford for his 1 month follow up, but it was with the surgeon, who pretty much told us the same thing as always, "its a bit swollen, and tender, but we can't tell anything just by looking at it" So where does that leave us? Still waiting another month or two to know anyting about the cancer....so that wasn't a big deal...but on the ride home I really got to thinking.....I miss my dad.A few years ago I made a CD with a bunch of "Christian" songs on it that I love to sing along too, which about a year ago it would have been the same exact CD that I would have rolled my eyes and thought, geez do we really have to listen to this one, can't we listen to a oldies mix or somthing we all like. But today it was different. I wanted to listen to it, cuz I knew all the songs on it, and I knew I could sing along....but what I really missed while singing my heart out...was my dad sitting right next to me, and him not being able to sing his heart out with me. He loves to sing, my whole family loves to sing....but today was different...me and mom were just singing so loud, and he was sitting there....moving his lips, but made no sound.

I had to fight back the tears because I thought to myself...this is so unfair. I couldn't figure out why my mind was telling me it was so unfair...was it because I shouldn't be listening to this knowing that he can't just sing out a tune....or was I thinking it was unfair because my dad isn't the same dad that I want him to be....or was I thinking this is so unfair that the radiation and chemo was the better option instead of letter the cancer just go without it? I don't know what I was thinking....perhaps all of the above.I don't know when things are going to get better and I don't know when things are going to make sense....or when things will start being fair.....but until then I just gotta be thankful for what I do have, and be thankful that my dad is still here with me...even tho he isn't quite back to the norm......

Where I am at....

It has been 3 months and 2 weeks since I finished school.....2 months since I passed my CRT exam and got my work permit......3 weeks since I got my California License to work as a Respiratory Therapist......3 months and 2 weeks since my dad was diagnosed with Cancer......4 weeks since he finished the treatment for it......and where am I?

Still in the same place I was 3 months and 2 weeks ago......nowhere....and where does all this get me....nowhere.

Sometimes I don't understand why I'm still in the same place. I've been applying for jobs like crazy, why have I not gotten any call backs? Am I not good enough? Did I just not get lucky like the others that I finished school with? I just don't get it. I know my stuff, I know what I'm doing, I'm gonna be one of the best therapist that a hospital can have. I have a passion for it. I can relate to the patients....its where I need to be and what I need to be doing....but yet I'm stuck here in a rut....not going anywhere....I don't get it.

I wish things would have gone differently the past few months. I know I'm selfish...but what about me....why can't things be going my way?? I've worked hard to get where I'm at and now I'm getting discourage because the only replys I get from the apps I have submitted are the ones that say "sorry you don't have enough experience". Well damn...how am I gonna get experience if no body will hire me?? I'm just so frustrated right now with life...I have no idea where it is going....and I don't like it!!

So where am I at............

Healing??

Its been 4 weeks since my dad has ended his treatments....and I see no improvment. Yeah sure, the pain is gone....but when will the healing begin. It seems as tho he is just sitting here and giving up...just waiting to die. He's still not eating much.....barely drinking the fluids he needs. The weight just keeps dropping...his muscles are getting weaker and weaker. All he does is lay in bed all day..........when will this get better?? I try to encourage him to get up and do things, eat, drink...and get better. But its not working. To me everyday gets worse and worse....what do we do now?? The doctors aren't concerened...they say this is normal...but I don't think so. I miss my dad. I miss him hanging out with the rest of us in the living room watching tv....talking...arguing...picking on someone....or making fun of someone....but he's not there. It never feels like he is with us. Where has he gone...and when is he coming back??