One Day at A Time

So this week has been a little weird for me. When I first got the call from my mom and she told me that the biopsy came back and it showed cancer, it hit me right then like "oh my god, cancer? wow." And the tears just came pouring out. I couldn't help it. Cancer is serious. And the thought of my dad having cancer was not even what I expected. I kinda started to hyperventilate a little bit, I had to calm myself down. By the time I got a few phone calls made, I still cried every time I said the words, "they found out he DOES have cancer" I made it through the day, talked about it, and I was okay with it.

Two days later, I spent all day with my dad up at Stanford waiting around for PET scans and CT scans, and fasting because he had to for his test, so out of fairness I figured, he can't eat, I won't eat. I've told myself I'm gonna be there with him every step of the way thru all this. But then I got this attitude thinking, "eh, he's gonna get thru this, no prob" Altho, I can see it in his eyes that he is scared. He doesn't know what the treatment is going to do to him, he doesn't know if its even going to help, he doesn't know if this is what is going to kill him. We drove all the way up to Stanford and he barely said 10 words to me all day.

So the next day we went back up to Stanford to have the Tumor board of doctors talk to us about treatments, and the severity of this. I'm still being optimistic, even tho the doctors tell us the prognosis is fair, and that this is the worst kind of cancer, in the worst place to have it. They told us that this is aggressive and we need to treat it aggressively, no waiting. He can't tell us everything will be okay in the end. Chances of getting thru this and beating the cancer is a 50/50 chance. And one doc even told us "at least its not pancreatic cancer like Patrick Swayze has" Gee thats a positive thing...right? I still had the positive attitude, almost lost it when my mom was starting to get emotional and my dad reaches over and taps her leg and said "We need to take this one day at a time, thats all we can do"

Just when I thought I'd get a day to sleep in after heading up to Stanford 2 days in a row, we get a call to go back up there for him to get started with the planning for the radiation therapy. Dad came and knocked on my door telling me to get up and go with him, I could have easily said "no let me sleep" but I didn't! So, back on the road again, headed up there, he's in good spirits about things, I'm in good spirits.

So I'm sitting there in the Cancer Center waiting room, looking at all the "cancer patients" They look sick and weak. And thats when I realized it......I have this great attitude and think every thing is okay, because he's not sick. He's just the same ol' Marty he has been for years now. I finally realized thats why I have the optimistic attitude, because he's not sick yet.

Things I now know, and will admit to: I know this is serious, I know the odds are against him with everything he has wrong with his major organs in his body, I know this is going to be a long battle, I know there is a possibility that he may not make it thru this, I know that this selfish feeling I have inside of me, thinking that I don't want to lose my dad and want him around forever, will have to go away, I know everyone deals with these things differently, and I know that God has things under control. This isn't up to me, my mom, my family, my dad, the doctors, its up to God.

On our drive home from Standford, my dad and I talked, this is what he told me, "I've known for awhile that I wasn't going to live a long life, with everything wrong with me. I've lived a good life, I'm not afraid to die, just not knowing how I was going to die, was what bothered me, but now I know, this is what will kill me, but not anytime soon." He's strong! He knows he will make it through this treatment, he knows its going to be a long battle, but he also knows we need to take this ONE DAY AT A TIME, thats all we can do.

I know I'm going to take this one day at a time with him, and I will be there every step of the way. If I thought this week was rough because I didn't get my precious beauty sleep, thats just a taste of what we will be going through! There are going to be more and more days of me not sleeping in, or doing the things I want to do, because he's not going through this alone. He's my daddy and I'm gonna do EVERYTHING I can to make sure I'll keep him around as long as I want, because I'm not ready to lose him!!!!