So its been about 3 weeks. Grieving is a process that we all have to deal with. I was reading about the emotions one might feel during this time, and I sure have felt all of them. Saddness: Yep, I've felt sad. I spend my hour drive home from work thinking and being sad, and I cry the whole time. But thats ok, I'm supposed to do that, he was my dad, I better get sad over losing him. Anger: Yep, I've been angry. A lot of people get angry with God, I don't blame him. A lot of of people get angry with the person who died, c'mon...why would I get mad at him? It wasn't his fault. Then they say a lot of people get angry with the doctors, or the healthcare system....I think that's where I felt anger, but beings that I'm in the medical field, that anger didn't last long. But I still wanted to place blame some where. "But why didn't they find this sooner?" and "...well how come he didn't listen to us when we told him this and that?" and "but this and but that". I went through the emotions of being angry.Frustration: Yep, I still get frustrated. I have to keep reminding myself, "oh well Christy, there is nothing we can do to bring him back now" Along with the anger part, I get frustrated more than anything. I still find myself doing research on what they could have done, or what I thought could have been done, or what they didn't tell us in the beginning....its frustrating. I just wanna know why...and what could have been done differently, and would that have made a difference? Probably not, but it makes me feel better thinking it.Guilt: Yep, I feel that. I feel like maybe I should have accepted that it was real. I mean, I don't feel like I missed any opportunities to say what I needed to say to him. The last few months when I was having to take care of him so much, I remembered to say I love you to him, alllll the time. The biggest guilt that I feel is that when I was taking care of him, I was too hard on him. I would get stern with him and tell him he needed to get out of bed, and he needed to quit asking for pain meds....but had I known there was more going on...I would have gone easy on him. It got to a point where he would ask mom or Candi for stuff, because he didn't wanna ask me, because he didn't want me to get on to him about it. I feel bad about that. I wish he wouldn't have felt that way. I was only doing it because I was wanting him to get better.I remember my mom always telling me through the whole thing that I'm the one who is in denial about the him having cancer, and of course...I was. I wouldn't accept it. I just kept thinking of all the technology these days and how he was at one of the best Cancer Center's in CA. I thought for sure he would get through this, or at least temporarily. I thought we had a couple more years with him at least. I know they say that you have to start moving on, and learning to cope with living without a loved one, and I've been trying to do that. Trying to keep busy and keep doing things to keep my mind off of him, but it only lasts for a few days, and I start to miss him all over again. Oh well, this is a process, I will in time learn to deal with it. For now, I just keep remembering how he wanted us to take things "One day at a time"..............
