So about a month ago I wrote a note talking about how it wasn't real to me what was going on....well...things sure do change in 1 month...even 1 week. I was here for the first week of treatment, and things still weren't really that real to me what was going on....he was still fine...he was still the same ol' dad I saw every day.......but then I went home for a week and took care of my business, and boy did I seem to miss the next step. People...I tell ya...this Cancer is REAL, and its real to me now. I see it...I see the effects....I guess it can't get much more real. I talked to my mom like everyday last week when I was gone, and asked her how he was doing...how he was feeling, did he go to all his appointments...and all the usual questions of a concerned daughter.....and she answered all of it. And she told me what was going on and what not...and some of the changes that she had seen. Not that I didn't believe what she was saying....but because I didn't see for myself, I just brushed it off like it was nothing...and that when I saw him, it was gonna be the same, but I was wrong.
Friday night I drove Faith and I up here to stay the weekend, because the weekend before when he was still feeling fine, he told her that she could come stay the weekend and we would go to San Fran for the day. On the drive up I had the conversation with the 9 year old, "hey look, when we get there....if you see people in the halls, don't stare, they are sick, and its rude, so just make sure to just smile and say hi...don't stare whatever you do." She understood. Well...needless to say, we didn't see anyone on our way in to the apartment, but when I walked in...and saw my dad, and got close enough to see the red-pimple like rash all over his face, neck, and head.....I found myself staring!! I didn't expect that. Yeah, mom told me what she saw, but I didn't expect that. I could see the redness all over his face where the radiation has been hitting him, and the way he was talking or barely talking just made it real to me. I could see this with my own eyes, and witness it, and it was real.
Have you ever gotten a sore in your mouth, or ever bitten your tongue, or the side of your cheek, or perhaps a really bad sore throat? Do you remember how sore and tender each one of those gets? Well...imagine that, and then think of his WHOLE mouth feeling like that......I don't blame the guy for not wanting to eat, or talk, or make any kind of movement that will cause such pain.
Everyday since I've been here, it seems as tho he has gotten worse. Don't get me wrong, he's still up all day, walking around, watching tv, going online, playing playstation. He's not weak, he hasn't been overly tired, I'm just talking bout his pain in his mouth and the burn on his face. But you know what...its sad. I feel really bad for him. Just to look at his eyes and see his pain, and his discomfort, and wonder how he is feeling, or what he is thinking. Since I've been here he's gone from eating solid soft foods to drinking liquid through straws.....he keeps trying to try different food and think he can eat it, but he can't. He takes one bite, and thats it, can't take another. His face just gets redder and redder. Sores around his nose where his CPAP machine is breaking down the skin that is already being burnt by the radiation.
Tuesday he went and saw the doc before Chemo treatment, and we found out that he has lost MORE weight (27lbs total)....good right? Uh...not really. He lost another 10lbs this week.......in a week??? Thats from him not eating very much from his mouth being sore...allll bad. That means he's not going to get the nutrients he needs, and he's gonna get weak. His kidney function test is getting worse...that means he's not drinking enough fluids, and thats what scares me. I am more hoepful that he will get thru this cancer, but what I've wondered bout from the beginning, are his kidneys going to hold out thru this?? Wednesday we see the Kidney specialist, so hopefully they will have some idea to get thru this part.
Today we were told, "it will get worse before it gets better" How much worse can it get? Do I even want to ask that question...probably not. I guess we'll just wait it out and see. Easy for me to say...right dad?
So this is real, and there is nothing I can do about it. I don't want to think about how much worse it will get, or how much more pain he will have to go thru. The selfish part of me wants to just go home, and skip a few more steps and not see him go thru this, but how fair would that be? My parents have always been there for me, so I can't not be here for them. So here I am....Week 3, Day 3............
so many things
10 years ago
