Thinking....

I'm still thinking that this was supposed to get easier by now. But it seems as tho it just gets harder. Daily I am reminded that he is gone. Everything I do, or see, or hear, triggers a memory. And thats the hard part...is thats all it will ever be is a memory. I will never have anything new to remember about him...all I have is the past. So many things remind me of that great man. I can remember growing up being a part of his youth group and for some reason everyone thought "Marty is sooo cool" I used to laugh...I didn't think he was that cool then....but now I look back and remember the things we did and the things he said, and he was pretty much the "coolest". I know most everyone says that about their dads...but I truly do believe that I had a great dad!

The bad part is I find myself sitting and thinking back and thinking about the worst parts of all this....and I can seriously think back from that early morning at 12:58am dreaded phone call of his passing, and every day 5 weeks prior. I can tell you where I was, and where he was and what stage of his condition we were at. I still get mad. I still find myself trying to figure out what we could have done differently.

I started this new thing when I start to ask why, I look at a series of pictures I took of him. This is what happened. The man in the very first pic, was no longer there after 2 weeks in to the radiation. He was gone. Even when treatments were over...he was never the same....

So I look at the pictures...and it reminds me why he left us. It reminds me what he went thru. It reminds me that he no longer has to go thru any of that. He is happy and at peace now. It went thru a lot to get there. He fought til the end, but as I still remember what he said in the beginning, he wasn't afraid to die, and he always knew he wouldn't live a long life, and he never knew what was going to kill him, until he found out he had cancer, he knew that would be it. (read my very first note from 8 months ago, and you'll see what he had said)I hope this gets easier one day.